Redefining.

Being married is hard.

No, not because my husband has weird habits (which he does) or because there is no end to the laundry (which there isn't. I haven't seen the love seat in months.) Not even because entire boxes of cereal disappear seemingly overnight.

It's hard because in becoming an us I feel I've lost a lot of my me.

I know what you're thinking. That's super dramatic and extremely selfish and I must not understand what marriage is all about.  Before you throw anything, hear me out.

A few years ago, the most common descriptors I would hear in reference to myself would probably have been cute, athletic and funny. I can definitely say that "cute" is becoming more and more of a relative term. (In what level of hell does one have to fight wrinkles and acne at the same time?!) I don't want to get into the weight gain, but let's just acknowledge that it's a thing. The compliments I became so used to brushing off are much fewer and farther between... and often from inappropriate sources if they come at all.

Not helpful? Still winding up with that rotten tomato? Stick with me.

This evening I picked up a basketball for the first time in almost a year.  To some of you, that may not seem like a big deal.  For those who know me best, you may understand why it triggered a severe emotional breakdown. (One of many as of late.) It occurred to me that as a married woman (although this may have come with age anyway) it isn't likely I will be presented with an opportunity to play a good game of basketball. Possibly ever again. Sure, I can shoot around... but a good, competitive pick-up game? Not likely. I imagine this is what Thor would feel like if you took away his hammer for a while, then gave it back, but told him he could only use it to hang photos on the wall.

I know. Drama again. But competitive athletics is something that has always been important to me and brought me actual joy and self worth. The most competition I've had lately is trying to squeeze my new non-athletic hips into my jeans, though I've developed some good moves.  Anyway, I'm truly not sure how to deal with this particular loss.  (The first person to suggest co-ed softball gets unfriended. But seriously. By definition, it's a consolation sport.) I can't change the fact that I will always prefer a good cardiovascular pick-up game over an hour on the elliptical or whatever lame workout video is trending. My usual "this too shall pass" mantra does not apply. This struggle is real...and seems it's here to stay.

Don't worry. At least we all know I'm still funny.  I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that my quick wit has been affected over time.  Possibly from years of diet soda consumption, or those concussions I sustained a while back. (At least that won't be a problem with my new sedentary lifestyle!)

So I guess my new challenge is... How do I learn to live with 33% of what I've always liked most about myself? How do I change what makes me happy and feel worthwhile? How can I stay emotionally healthy when I don't feel like a winner? And how do I keep all of these feelings from affecting my relationship?

Okay. There it is. While this does not describe the full extent of "Who am I now?" that I've been feeling, it gives you an idea. Oh you thought I was venting? No. I actually want your feedback. Text, email, whatever. (Spare me the fluffy "you're still beautiful" stuff.  Let's keep it constructive.)

Please help me fix me so I can be a better part of us.