Stranger Wisdom

I love traveling by air. Not only because it's quick and efficient, but because I always seem to get a good story out of it. My Christmas flight to Oklahoma was no exception.

After finding my perfect just-behind-the-wing window seat, a rough-looking man in his early sixties plopped down next to me holding a jacket in one hand and a plastic grocery bag full of his personal belongings in the other. Before we pulled out of the gate, I was greeted with a loud, "Ya headed home fer the holiday?!" There was not a moment of silence from that point until the "Fasten Seat Belt" sign was turned off in Tulsa. Did I mention it was a two and half hour flight?!...

I decided it would be a good opportunity to collect some pearls of wisdom. Here are just a few of the things I learned from my new friend Eugene:

~ Flying is dangerous and frightening, but more so when there are snakes on your plane. No really! He's seen the movie!

~ There are thousands of ways to die, and stupid people usually find them. Just like that one fella that let the black widow bite 'im... just to see if he was immune. He wasn't.

~ When you've got his kind of system, you don't need to drink any water. Just a cup of coffee in the morning and maybe a glass of juice at night. Water will bother your belly...especially during exercise.

~ However, if you're suffering from heat cramps out at the lake and you've got to walk a mile to the nearest building with nothin' but your dog for company... a large Sprite will not be helpful.

~ Trail mix is practically dog food. Most people buy it to eat themselves, but he'd just as soon give it to the dog.

~ You never know when you'll lose someone you've decided not to speak to. That's why you should never hold grudges... for long.

~ Ginger ale is actually supposed to help you lose weight. Not that he means nothin' by it!

~ He's pretty much the best driver ever. He can go 85 miles per hour in the pouring rain at night without a worry. Blizzards are the best, though.

~ If you're any good at horseshoes, I can tell you two men you do not want to face in a tournament.

~ The KKK is still very much alive and thriving... be careful if you're in Northwestern Arkansas with a suntan.

~ If you are a serial rapist, and he's anywhere around with a bat or gun... he will get you. Unless you get away and die of natural causes later in life. (Of course, that's only happened once.)

~ Just because you win at everything all of the time doesn't mean you're competitive. If you've got it, you've got it. Who cares if it makes everyone else mad?

~ The very best thing for popping ears is a fruity Mentos mint. And you will try one.

I'll stop right there. Partially because I can't even begin to remember everything we "discussed" on that flight, and partially because I'm sure you're all in disbelief that all of this wisdom came from one man. Needless to say, I didn't get much use out of my window seat, and may have been speaking with a thick accent upon exiting the plane.

Great guy. Hope he had a wonderful Christmas.