**GASP**
Man, I feel better! Now that that's out of the way, I know you must all be feeling sorry for me during this difficult transition into my late 20's. (Ugh. Just the thought of it makes me shudder.) I imagine you must now be struggling to find some way to comfort me in my time of need.
That's why, in order to aid you in your attempt to show your compassion, I've compiled this list of fabulous things that I will undoubtedly need for my 27th year!!
I've titled it:
THINGS EVERY (at least this) 27-YEAR-OLD FEMALE REQUIRES
- An aloe vera plant. (My roommate killed the one I got for my 26th birthday.)
- One of those scrunchy garden hoses they sell on TV. (Why not?)
- Sour worms. (Can't have too many.)
- A Magic 8 ball. (To make the tough 27-year-old decisions.)
- One of those things that goes around my neck to hold my harmonica while I strum the ukulele...
- Fluffy flip-flop style slippers.
- A Magic Bullet. (To blend stuff.)
- Boxing gloves.
- A water cooler.
- Accessories. (Evidently I don't do it well.)
- Squishy Baff.
- Satin dental floss.
- A Sooner Schooner foam hat.
- Kevin Durant jersey.
- A gun. (Preferable a Springfield XDM .40)
- A tent.
- A black light.
- A lover. (So next year won't require so much consolation.)
This list may be modified. Did I miss anything?
