Confession 2012: T Minus Two Weeks...

Okay. I'm coming clean. To all of you who have believed me as I've claimed to be 19 (for about 4 years) I have something to confess.  In roughly 13 days, I will be turning... 27 years old.

**GASP**

Man, I feel better!  Now that that's out of the way, I know you must all be feeling sorry for me during this difficult transition into my late 20's. (Ugh. Just the thought of it makes me shudder.)  I imagine you must now be struggling to find some way to comfort me in my time of need.

That's why, in order to aid you in your attempt to show your compassion, I've compiled this list of fabulous things that I will undoubtedly need for my 27th year!!

I've titled it:

THINGS EVERY (at least this) 27-YEAR-OLD FEMALE REQUIRES

- An aloe vera plant. (My roommate killed the one I got for my 26th birthday.)
- One of those scrunchy garden hoses they sell on TV. (Why not?)
- Sour worms. (Can't have too many.)
- A Magic 8 ball. (To make the tough 27-year-old decisions.)
- One of those things that goes around my neck to hold my harmonica while I strum the ukulele...
- Fluffy flip-flop style slippers.
- A Magic Bullet. (To blend stuff.)
- Boxing gloves.
- A water cooler.
- Accessories. (Evidently I don't do it well.)
- Squishy Baff.
- Satin dental floss.
- A Sooner Schooner foam hat.
- Kevin Durant jersey.
- A gun. (Preferable a Springfield XDM .40)
- A tent.
- A black light.
- A lover. (So next year won't require so much consolation.)

This list may be modified. Did I miss anything?

Single Long Enough...

Okay, so this title may be misleading. It is in no way a complaint or cry for help. Recently I was thinking about all the ways that I'm better off having had this time to myself; Things I otherwise wouldn't have learned or realized. Some were inspired by others, some I determined myself... And since I'm a fabulous list maker, you can imagine what's coming up! Here we go.

I'm happy that I've been single long enough to:

Understand that not being interested in me does not make a boy stupid. I love it when someone says to me, "You're single? Oh, boys are just stupid!" No. They aren't. They just aren't in love with me, and that's okay.

Learn to kill my own spiders. Granted I may still stop dead in my tracks and stare for five minutes to fully assess the situation, plan my attack, and get up the courage... I now know that I can get by until I find someone to do it for me.

Just be the cool aunt for a while. I imagine I'm much better at it when I don't have my own children to distract me.

Have friends who know me as myself without the association of being somebody's child, wife, or mother. (Good point, Jess.) There is definitely some value to this, as I believe these are a few of my strongest and most lasting friendships.

Decide that being high-maintenance is perfectly acceptable when you are maintaining yourself. I never have to feel guilty getting a pedicure or haircut when I'm not asking someone else to support me.

Realize that being single does not indicate that something is wrong with me. Imperfect people marry other imperfect people every day... and I'm not looking for perfection anyway.

I'm sure there are more, but these are the things that have come to mind. Suffice it to say that being single is not all bad and I believe I'm better off for it... for now.

Perfection... O.B.O.

I've noticed a question popping up frequently lately... from family, friends, coworkers, and clients (who love to delve into my personal life.)

What are you looking for in a man?

To which I usually reply, "I don't know," or "I'll know when I find it." The truth, however, is that neither of these responses are accurate. I have an idea of what I want, but probably wouldn't recognize it if it was staring me in the face. (Besides that I don't like to be stared at.. so this would be a total turn-off.) It occurred to me that part of the reason for all the confusion is a contradiction in messages that have been programmed into my head for some time.

"You're not going to find your perfect man."
vs.
"Don't ever settle, girl!"

In an attempt to satisfy both, I've formulated a checklist. Apparently there isn't a soul on this planet who meets all of these ideals, but if I find anything remotely close, I'll take it.
Here we go:

~ OFFICIAL PERFECT-FOR-AMI CHECKLIST ~

_ Weighs more than I do. (Yes, this is important.)
_ Enjoys watching college football.
_ Not completely repulsed by reptiles. (Lyle wouldn't have it.)
_ Appreciates playing and/or watching basketball.
_ Will play catch with me upon request.
_ Plays or has played in a band. (Not marching.)
_ Is proud of my DanceDanceRevolution skills rather than embarrassed.
_ Dresses decently.
_ Does not have a completely inappropriate sense of humor.
_ Likes to sing. (Whether he's good at it or NOT.)
_ Has a motivation towards something beyond Playstation, XBox, or Nintendo.
_ Capable of changing brake pads and oil filters.
_ If he likes country music, neither Big&Rich nor Toby Keith are in his top 5.
_ If he likes hip hop music, neither Outkast nor Lil Wayne are in his top 5.
_ If he likes alternative music, Nickelback is not in his top 100...thousand. (Non-negotiable.)
_ Not a jerk when driving.
_ Minimal ear hair.
_ Not addicted to pornography. (Harder to find than you would think.)
_ Mild tempered.
_ Likes me. A whole lot.

And then of course he has to be a generally good guy with a strong testimony and respect for women. If I could get a majority of these things, that would be perfect enough for me.

Am I reaching for the stars here?!?