Motherhood: Conquering My Greatest Fear

My biggest fear in life (besides spider rain -- don't get me started) has always been not mattering or being unimportant.

In high school, my mind equated being important with being popular, which was unfortunately incompatible with my severe anxiety disorder.  The combination of trying-too-hard and incredible insecurity ironically resulted in being completely unlikable -- even to most of my closest friends.

When I started college, I developed a coping mechanism for the insecurity called rudeness, which luckily morphed into clever snark and eventually (more recently) into something resembling witty charm.

Somewhere along the line, I believe I did achieve a level of popularity.  For a good long while I was proudly known for my funny social media posts, pretty eyes and great calves.  Still, this exhausting need to feel important remained.

One might think that marriage would fulfill this goal.  My sweet husband,however, due to his inability to say things just because they sound nice, has made it clear on more than one occasion that, while he would be a little sad for bit, he would be perfectly fine without me. (Always good for the anxious mind to hear things like that.) 

Tonight I had the realization that right at this moment, when I feel farther from my friends than I ever have, with my once-fabulous calves in a constant state of puffiness and my blue eyes red and droopy from constant irrational crying and lack of sleep... I matter more than I ever have.  To the tiny human growing inside me, there is no person on the planet more important.  I literally mean the world to him.

In a few short months, I will have the opportunity to give even more of myself and matter to another person as much as my own mother, who has been my best friend and support throughout my awkward, messy, anxiety-ridden life, matters to me. (Hint: That's a whole lot.)

Happy Mother's Day.