Eternal....Something

Yesterday my sister April got married! Congratulations to her! It really was a great day. Busy, crazy, tiring, and slightly chilly...but great. This was wedding #6 for me. (Not quite 27, but I'm on my way!) Each of them has had a special little twist.

Two weddings ago, my best friend who is a little over a year younger than me had a reception in my home ward where we grew up together. Those who knew our age difference gave me looks that said, "Wait, aren't you older than she is?" or "No hope for you then, I guess."

The last wedding I was in was in a completely different state where I knew no one. The only problem with that was that I still stood in line, but being at the end and from out of town, nobody cared to shake my hand. (Although, I'm not sure I'd consider that a problem.)

The catch for this particular wedding was that all of the guests know us both and being the younger sister...expect me to follow soon after. Through all of the "You must be next!"s and the "When will this be you?"s and the "I wouldn't give you more than a year!"s I came to a definite and liberating resolution:

Weddings are totally more trouble than they're worth. When I do finally get married, it'll be a total surprise to everyone!!! Close relatives* will receive invitations to some exotic temple ceremony with flight itineraries enclosed one week prior to the marriage. I will send out anouncements the day I get back from my honeymoon with an address listed to which friends may send gifts should they so wish. NOBODY will have to stand in line next to me and receive consolation comments and unnecessary pressure. I believe THAT is what makes me a true friend.

*If you would like to be on the "free plane tickets" list rather than the "find out sometime later and send gift" list I will need to know. Not any time soon, however...

Life or Something Like It

I've been getting a lot of flack about not updating my blog often enough. My first thought in response to this is, "Geez, sorry people...I have an actual life." Of course, I never get around to saying it because it doesn't take too long for me to realize how ridiculously untrue that statement is. In an attempt to illustrate this whilst giving you all a legitimate update on my life right now, I'll give you a rundown of the usage of my time this week.

Work: 15.5 hours (I was off today.)
Cooking: 3 hours
Eating: more than 3 hours
Shopping: 6 hours
Sleeping: 20 hours
Making sarcastic remarks to my 6 year old nephew: 1 hour
Feeding the baby: 1 hour
Watching movies: 6 hours
Working on my sister's wedding: 3 hours

Okay bottom line: I work a part-time job that requires me to be in bed by 10pm in order to be at work the next morning at 5:30. I don't date and have few hobbies. I know the names of every character on All My Children. Heaven knows I have time to update my blog more often. We'll get there...you'll see!

Fancy Free?

Some of you may be thinking to yourselves at this moment, "Was Ami's blog always this fabulous?" No. It wasn't until this evening as I sat at a friend's house watching her create a blog for my sister that I realized how ugly and simple my humble blog has been. My deepest apologies to my readers.

It was in that same moment (when she asked if I had a blog and I was sincerely embarrassed for her to see it) that I began a deep and thorough investigation of the simplicity of life that I've settled into. What other details have I let slide? What lovely little happinesses have I left out? The investigation went as follows:

--- "Wow. My blog is lame. Have people actually been reading that? When was the last time I painted my toenails? Do I shave my legs all the way, or just to the knee? Holy smokes! Look at these split ends! I should eat salmon more often. I love salmon. Why don't I own a pair of hot boots? Would I ever wear boots? I need a new library card. I love photos! I ought to own a camera. I could post the pictures on my blog! Man. My blog is lame." ---

And so we see that this new and improved blog page is not merely a small piece of cyberspace set aside for the rantings of a moderately sarcastic and everlastingly single young woman...but the gateway to a higher level of living. It is my belief* that quality of life is directly related to blog aesthetics.

*This theory has yet to be proven.

Boy - Friends

I've been listening to a song a lot lately called "Boys with Girlfriends" by Meiko. The chorus of the song says, "I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends." I'm here to testify that these lyrics ring true! Better yet... I know better than to be friends with boys. Don't get me wrong...boys are a blast! In fact, I believe they are 98% easier to get along with than girls. However, before you take that step into the male universe, it's important to understand what exactly you're signing up for.

Let me explain.

The more you hang out with boys, the more they see you as one of them... no matter how much lip gloss you wear. It's almost...well, what's the female form of "emasculating"?! Before long they'll be referring to you as "dude", belching your name, and discussing other "attractive" girls as if you're not there. That last one is tricky, trust me.

As a young girl, I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be a boy. True story. Ironically, although I've grown out of that phase, I have been finding myself to be more "manly" than some of the boys I spend time with. It's difficult to decide whether it bothers me or them more. All those skills and interests you would think would impress them starts to throw them off. Ladies, you'll know what I mean if you can do any of the following:
- Properly throw a football.
- Change your own oil.
- Eliminate someone in a game of Risk within 2 turns.
- Bench press at least 70% of your own body weight.
- Use the words "line of scrimmage", "spark plugs", or "John-117" in proper context.

You get what I mean. Do it all whilst wearing dangle earrings and you can really freak some of them out!
The conclusion I came to after all of this thought was this: There is nothing I can do about it. At some point I'll be able to get one of the guys instead of being one of them... but until then, I'll keep fixing my car, watching sports, and kicking trash at world domination games with my high heels on.

The Spinster Line

Here are the signs I have noticed that may indicate one's crossing the line into Spinsterhood:


1. You go to a wedding and the bride just hands you the bouquet.
2. Upon college graduation, instead of congratulations, you receive the comment, "With no one...I mean...nothing to show for it?"
3. Every relative you have has "someone you should meet".
4. Your dad starts "encouraging" you to focus more seriously on a long term career.
5. Your collection of bridesmaid dresses outnumbers your Sunday dresses.
6. Single guy friends refer to you more frequently as "bro" or "dude".
7. Family friends stopped checking your left ring finger long ago.
8. You stop opening any mail item addressed in caligraphy.
9. Your grandfather suggests that you stand in front of the chapel doors and smile... maybe you could "catch someone" off guard.
10. Instead of mentally naming future children, you begin mentally naming future cats.

Turtles and Relationships

So you know how there are always those people that you are inexplicably attracted to? You know, the ones you never actually talk to but you're sure they'd be great if you ever did? Did you ever notice how by the time you get up the nerve to become friends with them they're already in a relationship with someone else? That's crap. There should be a way to tell before you get attached to them. For example, when you find a turtle you're supposed to paint a spot on its shell with nail polish. That way if anyone else in the neighborhood finds that turtle, they'll know you found it first.
I just want to know right away when someone already has a claim on my turtle... before I try to paint it myself.

The Points System

I've often in passing made comment regarding a system of points which is used to determine my level of attraction to members of the opposite sex. For purposes of clarification, I've compiled the following directory of point system awards. (Note: at least one point is required in order for an individual to warrant my time.)

*Language*
Being multi-lingual +35
Ability to speak Spanish +40
Speaking Spanish to show off -10
Assuming I can't understand -20
Proper grammar +20
Broad vocabulary +20
Improper use of otherwise impressive words -10

*Automotive*
Clean car +20
Bad driving -15
REALLY bad driving -25
Ability to change oil +20
Skills beyond changing oil +5 each

*Conversation*
Inappropriate jokes or reference -5 (extra 5 point deduction for each subsequent bad joke)

Chauvinistic comments -10 (plus concurrent inappropriate joke deduction)
Moderate charm in speaking +20
Excessive charm in speaking -3

*Manner*
Opening a door on a date +15
Opening a door any other time +20
Walking me home/to the door +40
Asking me to make him food - All previous points
Impoliteness towards my friends or family - All future points

*Activities*
Beating me at something +10
Being a jerk about beating me -15
Letting me win -157
Being a bad sport when I kick his trash -35
Showing sincere appreciation for my mad skills +53

*Features and Characteristics*
Taller than me (not difficult) +15
Laughs +5
Laughs a lot + So many! (To be determined on an individual basis)
Enjoys little things (stars, marshmallows, puddles) +97

(Note: this compilation is incomplete and subject to modification.)