Perfection... O.B.O.

I've noticed a question popping up frequently lately... from family, friends, coworkers, and clients (who love to delve into my personal life.)

What are you looking for in a man?

To which I usually reply, "I don't know," or "I'll know when I find it." The truth, however, is that neither of these responses are accurate. I have an idea of what I want, but probably wouldn't recognize it if it was staring me in the face. (Besides that I don't like to be stared at.. so this would be a total turn-off.) It occurred to me that part of the reason for all the confusion is a contradiction in messages that have been programmed into my head for some time.

"You're not going to find your perfect man."
vs.
"Don't ever settle, girl!"

In an attempt to satisfy both, I've formulated a checklist. Apparently there isn't a soul on this planet who meets all of these ideals, but if I find anything remotely close, I'll take it.
Here we go:

~ OFFICIAL PERFECT-FOR-AMI CHECKLIST ~

_ Weighs more than I do. (Yes, this is important.)
_ Enjoys watching college football.
_ Not completely repulsed by reptiles. (Lyle wouldn't have it.)
_ Appreciates playing and/or watching basketball.
_ Will play catch with me upon request.
_ Plays or has played in a band. (Not marching.)
_ Is proud of my DanceDanceRevolution skills rather than embarrassed.
_ Dresses decently.
_ Does not have a completely inappropriate sense of humor.
_ Likes to sing. (Whether he's good at it or NOT.)
_ Has a motivation towards something beyond Playstation, XBox, or Nintendo.
_ Capable of changing brake pads and oil filters.
_ If he likes country music, neither Big&Rich nor Toby Keith are in his top 5.
_ If he likes hip hop music, neither Outkast nor Lil Wayne are in his top 5.
_ If he likes alternative music, Nickelback is not in his top 100...thousand. (Non-negotiable.)
_ Not a jerk when driving.
_ Minimal ear hair.
_ Not addicted to pornography. (Harder to find than you would think.)
_ Mild tempered.
_ Likes me. A whole lot.

And then of course he has to be a generally good guy with a strong testimony and respect for women. If I could get a majority of these things, that would be perfect enough for me.

Am I reaching for the stars here?!?

Hot Mess?

Every once in a while, I find myself doing alright...getting things done, looking fabulous, etc. It's usually during one of these fleeting moments that I choose to proclaim to the world that I, in fact, have nothing together.

There was the time I spilled Coke in my lap just before getting off a plane, then having to walk through the airport and wait for my ride with a wet crotch. Then there was the time I scored a lead roll in a girls' camp skit and somehow managed to flash the church leaders right in the middle of it.

This afternoon we had a dinner immediately following our church meetings. I was asked to bring a lasagna. I got up this morning, put the lasagna in the oven (since it needed to bake for a few hours), and managed to time it just right. I was showered and ready for church with a few minutes to spare on the timer. I carefully situated the casserole in my car so it wouldn't slide around. Off to the church I went!

In my four inch heels, I grabbed my purse, my notebook, my scripture case, and still managed to balance the lasagna tray on my fingertips. When I reached the door of the chapel, nobody was close enough to get the door. I noticed I had a free left pinkie. Why couldn't I open it myself? I'd managed everything else so beautifully. I realized that there was a good reason not to try it as my lasagna landed (ride side up, luckily) on the sidewalk. In the panic that followed, I hurriedly trip to get what hadn't splattered back in the pan, I burned my hand. Of course.

A few good friends cleaned up the cheese glob on the sidewalk as I iced my hand in the kitchen and tried to make what was left look somewhat edible.

Was this a tragic event? No. Simply a reinforcement of the fact that I am a mess.