Breaking News: Arizona Woman Battles to Regain Custody of Well-Wishes

She was having what she thought would be a normal Saturday. That is, until she found the letter that would turn her world upside down.  At 12:42pm on November 8, 2013, a note was found indicating that a special card of belated birthday wishes was captured and being held for ransom by a local bullying ring who identified themselves as the United States Postal Service.

Photograph of the ransom note left by bullying ring.

 An officer assigned to the case believes the item was targeted due to an unusual shape or size. "We've seen this before," he reports. "Items of a certain uniqueness held for personal gain. What exactly appealed to the captors, however, is hard to say at this time."

Although the birthday greetings were relinquished into the custody of its intended recipient after the $0.20 ransom was paid on November 13, a witness described the event as "eye-opening."

"We get so caught up in the ins and outs of our daily lives. That we could be so blind to these tragedies is nothing short of unsettling."

Card held captive for four days pending ransom

This story may have had a happy ending, but others may not be so lucky. This is one birthday that almost wasn't happy.

Proud and Humble, Success and Failure: A Toilet's Tale

This story requires a little background.  I live in a terrible house that is constantly falling apart.  (I've considered the possibility that it was built on some sort of ancient burial ground, and the late natives are breaking our stuff to get back at us.)  In addition to the ghost Indians, this house has a landlord who is none too enthusiastic about fixing things (like the time the air conditioner was out for a week, the time the fridge was out for days... twice, and the two previous occasions when the toilet was "fixed.")

So... the toilet has been running (insert the never-funny joke here: "You better catch it!") since we moved in. A year and a half ago.  I recently mentioned it to a plumber friend who told me it was likely the flush valve.

Now, there comes a point in every single woman's life when she realizes that if she plans to sit around waiting for a man, she may be waiting a lifetime.  Seeing that this was clearly the case with this obnoxious toilet, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands. I put on my girl power face (and a little mascara... because it never hurts in times like this) and headed to the home improvement store.

Within three minutes (and with the aid of a helpful-yet-skeptical salesman) I was on my way back with the parts I needed.  Toolbox and tunes at the ready, I was good to go! Of course in my haunted abode, the shut-off valve on the toilet didn't work so I had to shut off the entire house. Several minutes later and feeling awesome, I had the tank off and the old mechanisms removed.  A few minutes more and the new parts were all in place! (Just to be extra productive, I took this opportunity to paint the wall behind the toilet that had evidently been skipped on account of inconvenience. Yay, me!)

Feeling super accomplished, I placed the tank back on the toilet, reconnected the water line and patted myself on the back for a job well done.  

My father would be so proud. :) The End.

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...Which is where I would have ended this blog post had I not, in the very next moment, tightened a bolt just a hair too tight, causing the porcelain tank to crack. That was a problem.  Not just because it put my newly-fixed toilet completely out of commission, but because I now had a bathroom that would flood the moment I turned the water back on. 

Long story slightly less long: A plumber came to change the faulty shut-off valve so our water could be restored to the rest of the house and we'll have to find a new tank ASAP.  (He did tell me that he has done the same thing before and asked to borrow one of my sweet tools since he didn't have one.  Who's the plumber now, eh?)

Now... many of you reading this are thinking that I failed today.  At first glance it may seem that way, but let's look at the facts:

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Failures:

• We can't use the toilet for a few days.

Successes:

• The broken toilet has a beautifully functional new flush valve that I installed by myself.

• I am the proud new owner of a pair of 12" extended grip tongue & groove pliers with pretty blue handles.

• The ugly, neglected portion of wall got painted.

• I met, by far, the most attractive plumber I have ever seen. Probably in the entire world.

Am I a failure? I guess that's for each of you to decide.

The End. (Seriously.)

Gettin' Crabby: An Unlikely Friendship

I have all kinds of friends.

Sometimes I look at a friend and think to myself, "How did that happen?"

This is one of those stories.
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This week I spent a considerable amount of time at the beach.  One day, while making my way back to my towel from a dip in the sea, I saw a slight movement near my foot.  Startled, I came down for a closer look.  That's when...

 I met a crab! 

Unsure of what the appropriate crab-meeting protocol might be, we stared at one another for a few moments before I did what any curious, self-respecting woman would do.  I poked him.

He didn't seem to mind, so I kicked our relationship up a notch...

The camera loves him.

All this commotion caught the attention of a young girl.  She also decided it would be best to poke him.  In the eye.  Disappointed in his lack of enthusiasm, she finally scooped him out of his cozy hole.  This he did mind.  Suddenly, he was on the move... in my direction!

As I stepped out of the way, he would adjust his course to follow me.  She had made him mad and my toes were to pay the price.  Intrigued by his determination, I decided to stop avoiding it. 

To my surprise, he crept (sideways) right over my toes...

...and then...

...nestled himself beneath my foot.  For heat? For protection? Or perhaps he sensed the connection I felt in the beginning.  It doesn't matter.  For about ten minutes (because how do you walk away from that?!) I was one with nature.  I shared a mutual understanding (I that he would not pinch my toes, and he that I would not crush him with my foot) with a creature quite unlike myself.

And so we learn that friendships can be made in the most unlikely places with the most unlikely people (crabs are people, too) if we will put aside hasty judgements and assumed differences.

We're all on this road together...

THE END

Shadows, Cracks, Dog Faces and Dead Cell Phones

I've recently had a few interesting run-ins with tender mercies.

On the way to work a few weeks ago, on a day that was expected to be particularly deplorable, I was sitting at a red light next to a car with a large dog sitting in the passenger seat.  As the light turned green, the driver of the car made a sharp left turn, causing the dog's face to suddenly crash into the window.  I laughed out loud at the sight and went on my way.  Multiple times that day during stressful situations, that ridiculous image of the dog's smashed face flashed through my mind, temporarily returning me to sanity.  I'm convinced I was meant to see it.

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"Remember, the shadows are just as important as the light." -Jane Eyre

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More recently, I've struggled (not seriously) with a mild disappointment/discouragement in my current life situation.  I mentioned in an evening prayer that I needed help recognizing the people in my life who care about me.

The next day was brutal. Work was awful, tornadoes were sweeping through Oklahoma (my home), I was moderately ill... and to top off the day, my cell phone was found underneath a bag of melting ice... nonoperational.

There's a line in the movie Tommy Boy toward the end after all the mishaps of their journeying when David Spade and Chris Farley sit down on a bench... and it breaks.  The character looks up and says, "Could've done without that."  That thought had gone through my mind several times that day.

Word of my misfortune must have gotten around, because the next few days were full of notes of concern, treats and other thoughtful/helpful surprises... from people who cared.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Maybe it's true. Maybe I 'could've done without' being yelled at by crazy patients or the inconvenience of a broken cell phone... but that's just what I needed to appreciate the kindness of the amazing people around me.  Maybe it's the shadowy times that make the rest seem brighter.  It's the cracks of disappointment that let a little hopeful light through.  Perhaps, then, I need to learn to recognize the tender mercies hidden in the discouragement. After all:

"When it's dark enough, you can see the stars."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why My Mom is Cooler Than Your Mom

Mothers. They birth us, feed us, bathe us, clothe us, nurse us, teach us... and basically ensure we eventually make it to adulthood.
It wasn't until adulthood, though, that I realized that blue eyes and a petite frame are not all I inherited from her.  Here are a few of the extra little things I will always have from my mother:
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-My mother is the reason I still sing a little song to myself each time I look at the moon.

-My mother is the reason I will always love Bonanza, The Big Valley, The Rifleman and nearly every John Wayne movie ever made.

-My mother is the reason I enjoy drinking Postum.

-My mother is the person that got me into the habit of looking for (and usually finding) a deeper meaning in every movie I see or book I read.

-My mother is the reason I know almost every George Strait song by heart.

-My mother is the one I think of every time I see the mountains. (No one appreciates them more than she does.)

-I think of my mother when I count the rings on a tree stump.

-I'm not positive, but I'm fairly certain my mom is the reason I'm always doing dumb little dances while I'm doing things around the house.

-My mom is the person who taught me the cool, efficient way to dice a tomato that I've since been made fun of for. Who needs a cutting board?

-My mother is the reason I love crime shows and courtroom dramas. It all started with Matlock and Perry Mason...

-My mother is the reason I know that pansies are tough, and the reason daffodils are my favorite.
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These are only a few of the innumerable qualities, habits, skills and appreciations I have because of her.  Her lessons on prayer and treating others with love and kindness no matter what have been invaluable to me.
I've thought to myself of several occasions, "I'm turning into my mother!"  But then, I can't think of anyone I'd rather be like than MY mother.

Love you, mom. Happy Mother's Day!

Sounds Like Home

When I was younger, I had a lot of trouble sleeping at night. Every night at midnight and 2 a.m. there was a train that would come through.  I looked forward to hearing that train whistle because for at least that moment, I knew I wasn't the only one awake.

Right now I think I'd give almost anything to hear a train whistle.

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While I'm up, I thought I'd make a list of some of the other odd noises I love:

Whether during a storm in the middle of the night or at noon of the first Monday of the month for testing, I've come to love the sound of tornado sirens. The eerie wailing has become a source of comfort.

The sound of an attic fan turning on was an immediate sign that 1) it was probably the weekend and 2) it was almost summer.  Usually this was the noise I would wake up to on Saturday morning and the sound I went to sleep to Sunday evenings.

Thunder. No, not low, rumbling, rolling thunder... the house-shaking, window-rattling thunder.  If it doesn't put a little of the fear of God into you, it isn't the real thing.

That sound that a water hose makes when you first turn it on before all the air bubbles are out. (Water also tastes best from the hose... just FYI.)

Our pool was right outside my bedroom window. Some nights, the source of my sleeplessness was the frogs.  They would usually settle down by midnight, though. (Just in time for the trains...)

Airplanes flying overhead.  I spent a lot of time playing outside by myself while my siblings were at school. Along with the birds (and tornado siren testing if it was the first Monday of the month) the airplanes were the noises of the afternoon.

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That'll do for now. I'm off to wait for sleep...or the train.  Whichever comes first.

Whose Mommy Are You?

Today, as my sister Brenda and I were heading out with her kids to our brother Derek's house for Easter festivities, I decided (or perhaps was inspired?) to drive a separate car.  This proved wise, as just before pulling into his neighborhood, her middle child threw up out the window of the car. After getting everyone cleaned up, she left the other two with me and took the barfer home.
After a lovely Easter dinner (since our appetites had been worked up cleaning vomit) and an egg hunt, Seth brought over a book to read with me on the couch.  One of the other children, about 3 years old, looked at us, smiled and asked, "Are you his mommy?" I said, "No, I'm his aunt." Looking around the room with a confused expression he finally said:

"Well, whose mommy are you?"

I shrugged and replied, "I'm not a mommy."

His confusion turned to disappointment as he simply said, "Oh," and walked away.  As it usually does when a woman in her late twenties is asked why she doesn't have a family, it made my heart hurt for a few minutes.

Later when I went to "drop off" the boys, I found a frustrated Brenda scrubbing vomit chunks out of the carpet.  I stayed and began cleaning up the kitchen when I heard Seth call from the other room, "Um, Ami?!" in a tone that told me immediately that there would be potty puddle awaiting my arrival. One "tubby time," one emergency laundry load, one sink full of dishes and one runaway puppy later... I was on my way home, but I felt bad leaving Brenda in the chaos.  It was at this moment that I realized:

Aunt = Part-time mommy.

Not such a bad gig.