The Light in Our Eyes: My Mission from Alanis

Lately (at least once a week) I've been having existential mom-crises.  Combinations of self-doubt, exhaustion, frustration, inadequacy and guilt regularly cloud my mind and leave me anxious and depressed.  Prior to marriage and children, most of my identity and self-worth was based on certain things I was good at or liked about myself.  My athleticism. My creativity.  My musical discernment. My friends.  

Now I find that my only remaining athletic ability is climbing baby gates and navigating toy-strewn floors.  My creative outlet is limited to making foam hats, constructing paper pinatas and building cardboard playhouses. The music in my head has all been replaced with nursery rhymes and the Team Umizoomi theme song.  My friends are busy and far away.

I feel I'm losing myself in a very small world.

A few days ago, I was talking with a friend about her own struggles when another friend randomly (at least it seemed random to me) sent me this link to a music video for the song "Ablaze" by Alanis Morissette. Something inside me switched on when I watched it. 

Now, I need to tell you all that Alanis and I go way back.  Her edgy, emo rock was everything in my angst-filled, semi-depressed, fully-anxious youth. I listened to her secretly in my room after school (because those lyrics would not have been mother-approved.)  

This song is completely different.  Her music has grown and evolved over the years, but this video in particular spoke to me.  Not only was it the message I needed to hear, but it was a message I needed from her.  I needed to see Alanis Morissette with her mom hair. Her mom body.  The hint of wrinkles on her face. Her kid-cluttered home.  I needed to see how she's changed.  Different, but still herself.  A softer, perhaps better version of her edgy, younger self.  Embracing this stage in her life.  The "jagged little pill" a bit more rounded. I see you, girl. And I hear you.

I haven't lost myself.  I'm still me. A little chubbier. Clumsier, perhaps. But still me.  Only my little world no longer revolves around me.  It revolves around these tiny people who were once, still are, a part of me.  Those traits I used to value in myself have been repurposed for now, but for a very worthy cause.

The greatest accomplishment I could achieve would be to fill their lives with hope, joy and love.  My most vital self-care includes caring for them, because focusing on the light in their eyes allows me to see myself more clearly. (Isn't it ironic? ;) ) 

 

"To my boy, all that energy so vital,
Love your hues and blues in equal measure,
Your comings and your goings-away,
My mission is to keep the light in your eyes ablaze."

"To my girl, all your innocence and fire,

When you reach out, I am here hell or high water,

This nest is never going away,

My mission is to keep the light in your eyes ablaze."

Maybe someday I'll write a book. Maybe someday my roller derby dreams will come true. Maybe I'll have a successful, creative business. Do and be all the things my younger self wanted to do and be. But maybe not. It doesn't really matter. For now...

My mission is to keep the light in our eyes  ablaze.