Stranger Wisdom

I love traveling by air. Not only because it's quick and efficient, but because I always seem to get a good story out of it. My Christmas flight to Oklahoma was no exception.

After finding my perfect just-behind-the-wing window seat, a rough-looking man in his early sixties plopped down next to me holding a jacket in one hand and a plastic grocery bag full of his personal belongings in the other. Before we pulled out of the gate, I was greeted with a loud, "Ya headed home fer the holiday?!" There was not a moment of silence from that point until the "Fasten Seat Belt" sign was turned off in Tulsa. Did I mention it was a two and half hour flight?!...

I decided it would be a good opportunity to collect some pearls of wisdom. Here are just a few of the things I learned from my new friend Eugene:

~ Flying is dangerous and frightening, but more so when there are snakes on your plane. No really! He's seen the movie!

~ There are thousands of ways to die, and stupid people usually find them. Just like that one fella that let the black widow bite 'im... just to see if he was immune. He wasn't.

~ When you've got his kind of system, you don't need to drink any water. Just a cup of coffee in the morning and maybe a glass of juice at night. Water will bother your belly...especially during exercise.

~ However, if you're suffering from heat cramps out at the lake and you've got to walk a mile to the nearest building with nothin' but your dog for company... a large Sprite will not be helpful.

~ Trail mix is practically dog food. Most people buy it to eat themselves, but he'd just as soon give it to the dog.

~ You never know when you'll lose someone you've decided not to speak to. That's why you should never hold grudges... for long.

~ Ginger ale is actually supposed to help you lose weight. Not that he means nothin' by it!

~ He's pretty much the best driver ever. He can go 85 miles per hour in the pouring rain at night without a worry. Blizzards are the best, though.

~ If you're any good at horseshoes, I can tell you two men you do not want to face in a tournament.

~ The KKK is still very much alive and thriving... be careful if you're in Northwestern Arkansas with a suntan.

~ If you are a serial rapist, and he's anywhere around with a bat or gun... he will get you. Unless you get away and die of natural causes later in life. (Of course, that's only happened once.)

~ Just because you win at everything all of the time doesn't mean you're competitive. If you've got it, you've got it. Who cares if it makes everyone else mad?

~ The very best thing for popping ears is a fruity Mentos mint. And you will try one.

I'll stop right there. Partially because I can't even begin to remember everything we "discussed" on that flight, and partially because I'm sure you're all in disbelief that all of this wisdom came from one man. Needless to say, I didn't get much use out of my window seat, and may have been speaking with a thick accent upon exiting the plane.

Great guy. Hope he had a wonderful Christmas.

The Stars Said to Tell You...

I decided today was a day for me to only do things I love to do. My activities included but were not limited to the following:
- Making paper snowflakes
- Watching Lifetime Christmas movies
- Playing Dance Dance Revolution
- Eating my own fine cuisine
- Going to the movie theater

The perfect day, right? Meh. Not so much. The problem was that I did all of my favorite things... all by myself. Less happy. Serendipitously, my horoscope for today (oh come on, we all have our quirks) reads:

This is an important day for you to give thanks for all that you have, Leo. Give your loved ones extra hugs and let them know how much they mean to you. If things start to get a bit too serious and somber, you're the one who can pull others out of the rut. There is no need to be sad when you have so much to be happy about.

It's difficult to give extra hugs and kisses to people you don't often get to see, so I'd like to tell you all about 7 of my very favorite people and why I like them.

My Dad is great at what he does. I can't recall a single time he's raised his voice. He always seems to have something to work on, and only sits down to watch television if he's exercising or writing in his journal. (I think I'm beginning to take after him.) He's great at giving advice, but usually only when it's asked for. I've always hated disappointing my dad. Something about those big, dark, puppy eyes. He's always been a great example and teacher. He also likes my mom. A lot. I know because he always tells her right in front of the rest of us.

My Mom is one of the most giving people I know. When I was younger, she had a calling in the church which obligated her to take care of a certain lady in the ward. To me it seemed an enormous inconvenience to her. A year or so later she had received a different calling and I found her fussing over some project for this woman. I made the mistake of commenting that she was no longer responsible for her. My mom taught me that it was her responsibility as a friend and a human being to care for this individual. I won't forget that. I know she's given more than I'll ever know to help me.

My brother Chris is always there for me. From Kermit the Frog voices when I was little to board games now, he's always been able to make me smile. (Actually, the Kermit voice would probably still work!) I love having him on my team. Chris is in large part responsible for my appreciation of football and 80's music. I greatly miss him and his wonderful family when they're away.

My brother Derek is someone I've always looked up to. He taught me to spit and how to play soccer. I used to love watching him work on his art projects. I hated it when he moved away. He's always been a great example to me. I admire him still, and value his opinion more than that of anyone I know. (I should add that I love his family, too!)

When I was younger I always wanted to be my sister Brenda. She had the coolest clothes and makeup and friends. I was so excited when I could finally wear her shoes. She was the first to show me how to wear makeup, and continues to show me up in that department! It's an art really! Brenda has many, many talents and the cutest/funniest little family. In some ways I'm still jealous. She has opened her home to me more than once, and I'll always be grateful for that.

Andrew is a very thoughtful. When I was in 8th grade, he was in a car wreck while on his mission in Nevada. I remember that day because it was the day of my very first basketball game as a Lady Hawk. After a very quiet drive home, we talked to Andrew on the telephone. Almost before I could ask how he was doing, he asked how my game was. At the time, that meant the world to me. When he came home, I remember playing games with him late into the night while his drugs kept him up. I loved it. He's a wonderful guy with a whole lot to offer.

April and I go way back! Okay -- As the youngest I guess I go back equally with each... but April and I were forced to be very close for most of my childhood. Like sharing a bed close. While we argued a lot as kids, I always missed (and still do) having her around after she went to college. Even though I was 3 years younger, nosy, and obnoxious, she always did her best to include me. I was rarely excluded from sleepovers or time with her friends. Actually, I was even invited to sleepovers and hangouts with her and her college friends. I love it when she asks me for advice on clothes and hair. She actually allowed me to give her a bobbed haircut once! She's a trusting one... She's very talented (and will be a wonderful mother!)

I know what you're all thinking. "How did she get so lucky?!" And you're right! I wanted to tell you all about it not because I felt I owed it to the Cosmos to heed the advice of the stars, but because I owe it to the fabulous people who are suckers enough to love me!

There is no need to be sad when I have so much to be happy about.

So Small A Thing

In "The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring," the character Boromir makes the observation:

"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing."

This quote went through my mind last Saturday evening as I sat stranded and cold at the Phoenix Sky Harbor airport... awaiting a ride that wasn't coming.

You see, just before boarding my plane in Salt Lake City, I made the horrible discovery that I had left my cellular telephone in Cache Valley. No big deal, right? They can mail it to me on Monday! Clearly I knew little of the journey in store for me that evening.

My flight landed in Arizona just after 10:00pm. My roommate had flown in at 9:30, and I thought I'd somehow be able to track them down on my own. After all, there are payphones still, right? The tricky thing about pay phones is that you have to have exact change, and you have to know the phone number of the person you'd like to call. I had neither.

I had managed to scrape up $.75 from the bottom of my purse. To make a long-distance call, it would cost me $1.00. Calling my mother was out of the question. My original plan had been to call my mom so she could call the people who had my phone so they could use my phone to call my roommate. With $.50 I could make one local call, and the only local number I knew was that of my sister. I had to give it a shot. The tricky part was that my sister was on vacation in Georgie... making it after midnight her time. Needless to say the call went straight to voicemail and I didn't get my $.50 back.

Plan B: wander around the pick-up zone in case they're waiting. This was doomed to fail. At the Phoenix airport, there is a pick-up zone on either side of the terminal. After making a sweep down both sides of the terminal, I came up with the perfect plan! The cell phone lot! That's where you park while waiting to hear from recently-arrived travelers. Surely they would be in the cell phone lot! It wasn't too far away...right?? I had a 50% chance of choosing the right end of the terminal. The first attempt landed me in a creepy, semi-deserted employee parking lot. Walking another length of the terminal and past a few more unnerving lots, I did reach the cell phone lot... only to see a lot of unfamiliar faces in unfamiliar cars staring at me. I walked back.

Final plan. Pull out my last dollar bill and beg for change. This was not only a mental challenge for me, but an actual near impossibility. By now it was after 11:00pm and all shops and desks in the terminal are closed. Finally I came to a shuttle ticket desk. The lady there informed that they didn't have change for my dollar.

This is where I began to cry... just a little.

"What is it for?" she asked... obviously noticing my suddenly pathetic demeanor. I accidentally half-shouted back that I just needed to make one phone call. She pulled out her own purse and found four quarters.

I was able to get through to my mother who just happened to have my roommate's phone number. Unfortunately her cell phone needed charging, so after finding the charger and getting it plugged in and turned on, she encountered some trouble scrolling through her contacts. Remember how pay phones only give you 5 minutes to talk? Yeah. It hung up on me before I could tell her where I needed to be picked up.

Assuming she got ahold of my roommate to tell her I was stranded, I perched myself in the spot I thought I'd be mostly likely to get found. 45 minutes later (after being hassled by three segway cops telling me how they found God) my roommate arrived! Oh joy of joys! Apparently the plan had changed and someone else was picking me up... which may be why I didn't find her car in the cell phone lot. Since they hadn't heard from me they'd given up and left.

The moral of the story is that I now know that I can live without it... but I'd rather not. Also, I apparently don't own a clock.

It is a strange fate....

Man is Generally Good

Yesterday I had the opportunity to work with Habitat for Humanity in building a house for a family that needed a hand. As I was signing in, the woman in charge asked how I'd heard about the project. I mentioned that I'd met the group leader through friends at church and that the people I had brought with me were friends from church. She then asked what church I went to and sounded surprised when I told her The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It occurred to me that I had assumed the people there would be if not fellow members, at least aware of our church and its teachings. Perhaps I've lived in the Arizona "bubble" too long.

I was impressed with the other volunteers and found myself wondering what their various motives were. Sometimes I think in the church we learn to serve out of a sense of obligation. These people weren't there from obligation... just from a genuine desire to serve.

As many do, this train of thought led me to something I read from C.S. Lewis. At the end of his book, The Last Battle, Lewis describes a scene where the children are taken back to Narnia (heaven) to live with Aslan the lion. (**spoiler alert** Everyone dies at the end. Don't cry... it's a happy ending.) When they arrive, one of the soldiers of Calormen has also been taken to Narnia. The soldier describes what happened when he found himself there and met the Lion:

"Then I fell at his feet and thought, Surely this is the hour of death, for the Lion (who is worthy of all honour) will know that I have served Tash all my days and not him. Nevertheless, it is better to see the Lion and die than... to live and never have seen him. But the Glorious One bent down his golden head and touched my forehead with his tongue and said, 'Son, thou art welcome.' But I said, 'Alas, Lord, I am no son of thine but the servant of Tash.'
He answered, 'Child all the service thou hast done unto Tash, I account as service done to me... Not because he and I are one, but because we are opposites -- I take to me the services which thou hast done to him. For I and he are such different kinds that no service which is vile can be done to me, and none which is not vile can be done unto him... unless thy desire had been for me thou wouldst not have sought so long and so truly. For all find what they truly seek.'

I've spent a lot of my life being a cynic... always assuming the worst of people. It has come to my attention that this way of thinking has profited me nothing. In fact, I'm sure I've missed numerous opportunities because of it. In spite of man's carnal nature and tendency toward pride and selfishness, humans also have a general tendency toward good will and service... no matter their differences in religion, race, etc.

I would do well to recognize that more often.

Meeting Celebrities - a docJEWmentary

While finalizing plans for my Halloween weekend, I had finally come to terms with the fact that I would not be attending the sold-out concert of one of my very favorite bands, Jimmy Eat World. No sooner had I made this assessment when I received a text from my friend James informing me that not only had he won tickets to the concert, but a chance to attend a private sound check with the band before the show. Sold!

So off we went Saturday afternoon, and after waiting for some time were escorted to the front of the stage. The guys played a few songs just for us (and for the sound check, of course) before coming down to sign photos for us. We were at the mercy of a professional photographer for photos with the band... so may not have gotten the perfect photos, but still awesome!

Jim (not zoomed in)

Me with Tom, Rick, and my friend James

The concert itself was amazing. It was a costume concert (what with it being Halloween and all) so many people were dressed up. Before the concert we'd seen some creepy ones, including a jawa wandering around. (If you don't know what a jawa is, it's those little guys from Star Wars that wear the cloaks with the glowing red eyes...) He stood near me for a minute and then walked away. I remembered thinking to myself, "Wow... that could be anyone." When the band went on stage.... sure enough, there was Rick the jawa on bass!

He'd been right there...

Anyway, it was a lot of fun to see the guys dressed up. They played a great show (and long... nearly two hours of JEW!) Definitely the best Halloween party I've ever been to!

____

"Meet a Celebrity" has been replaced with "Play Laser Tag" on the Everlasting Bucket List.

Losing Sleep

Here I am again... 1:00am. A mere 5 hours from the time I need to get up and begin another exciting day in the life of Ami. I thought this would be an appropriate time for this particular musing.

A few months ago, someone spoke in church about discovering what keeps us up at night. His idea was that this would help us identify our most prominent personal obstacles or challenges. Tonight as I lay sleepless, I have made a list (since I'm great at making lists) of my most common snooze-robbing culprits.

1. Reviewing events of the day, whether good or ill.
2. Fear of having a dream involving the loss of all of my teeth. This is quite literally my worst nightmare. It visits me at least once a week.
3. Neighbors/Roommates. Nothing more to say here.
4. Caffeinated painkillers. I'm a firm believer that if Midol can't fix it, it doesn't exist. Except, of course, for insomnia.
5. Concerns for my future.
6. Regrets from my past.
7. Anxieties about current happenings. (Work, family, relationships, politics...)
8. Heartburn. Thank you, family, for the acid reflux.
9. Frustration regarding my inability to sleep. Counterproductive.
10. Miscellaneous. This is the category for all the dumb things like to-do lists and obnoxious song lyrics that keep my mind from winding down properly.

A certain friend of mine would just tell me to take an Ambien. Maybe, though, there are things to learn about myself when I have nobody else to talk to.

Perfection... O.B.O.

I've noticed a question popping up frequently lately... from family, friends, coworkers, and clients (who love to delve into my personal life.)

What are you looking for in a man?

To which I usually reply, "I don't know," or "I'll know when I find it." The truth, however, is that neither of these responses are accurate. I have an idea of what I want, but probably wouldn't recognize it if it was staring me in the face. (Besides that I don't like to be stared at.. so this would be a total turn-off.) It occurred to me that part of the reason for all the confusion is a contradiction in messages that have been programmed into my head for some time.

"You're not going to find your perfect man."
vs.
"Don't ever settle, girl!"

In an attempt to satisfy both, I've formulated a checklist. Apparently there isn't a soul on this planet who meets all of these ideals, but if I find anything remotely close, I'll take it.
Here we go:

~ OFFICIAL PERFECT-FOR-AMI CHECKLIST ~

_ Weighs more than I do. (Yes, this is important.)
_ Enjoys watching college football.
_ Not completely repulsed by reptiles. (Lyle wouldn't have it.)
_ Appreciates playing and/or watching basketball.
_ Will play catch with me upon request.
_ Plays or has played in a band. (Not marching.)
_ Is proud of my DanceDanceRevolution skills rather than embarrassed.
_ Dresses decently.
_ Does not have a completely inappropriate sense of humor.
_ Likes to sing. (Whether he's good at it or NOT.)
_ Has a motivation towards something beyond Playstation, XBox, or Nintendo.
_ Capable of changing brake pads and oil filters.
_ If he likes country music, neither Big&Rich nor Toby Keith are in his top 5.
_ If he likes hip hop music, neither Outkast nor Lil Wayne are in his top 5.
_ If he likes alternative music, Nickelback is not in his top 100...thousand. (Non-negotiable.)
_ Not a jerk when driving.
_ Minimal ear hair.
_ Not addicted to pornography. (Harder to find than you would think.)
_ Mild tempered.
_ Likes me. A whole lot.

And then of course he has to be a generally good guy with a strong testimony and respect for women. If I could get a majority of these things, that would be perfect enough for me.

Am I reaching for the stars here?!?