Boy - Friends

I've been listening to a song a lot lately called "Boys with Girlfriends" by Meiko. The chorus of the song says, "I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends." I'm here to testify that these lyrics ring true! Better yet... I know better than to be friends with boys. Don't get me wrong...boys are a blast! In fact, I believe they are 98% easier to get along with than girls. However, before you take that step into the male universe, it's important to understand what exactly you're signing up for.

Let me explain.

The more you hang out with boys, the more they see you as one of them... no matter how much lip gloss you wear. It's almost...well, what's the female form of "emasculating"?! Before long they'll be referring to you as "dude", belching your name, and discussing other "attractive" girls as if you're not there. That last one is tricky, trust me.

As a young girl, I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be a boy. True story. Ironically, although I've grown out of that phase, I have been finding myself to be more "manly" than some of the boys I spend time with. It's difficult to decide whether it bothers me or them more. All those skills and interests you would think would impress them starts to throw them off. Ladies, you'll know what I mean if you can do any of the following:
- Properly throw a football.
- Change your own oil.
- Eliminate someone in a game of Risk within 2 turns.
- Bench press at least 70% of your own body weight.
- Use the words "line of scrimmage", "spark plugs", or "John-117" in proper context.

You get what I mean. Do it all whilst wearing dangle earrings and you can really freak some of them out!
The conclusion I came to after all of this thought was this: There is nothing I can do about it. At some point I'll be able to get one of the guys instead of being one of them... but until then, I'll keep fixing my car, watching sports, and kicking trash at world domination games with my high heels on.

The Spinster Line

Here are the signs I have noticed that may indicate one's crossing the line into Spinsterhood:


1. You go to a wedding and the bride just hands you the bouquet.
2. Upon college graduation, instead of congratulations, you receive the comment, "With no one...I mean...nothing to show for it?"
3. Every relative you have has "someone you should meet".
4. Your dad starts "encouraging" you to focus more seriously on a long term career.
5. Your collection of bridesmaid dresses outnumbers your Sunday dresses.
6. Single guy friends refer to you more frequently as "bro" or "dude".
7. Family friends stopped checking your left ring finger long ago.
8. You stop opening any mail item addressed in caligraphy.
9. Your grandfather suggests that you stand in front of the chapel doors and smile... maybe you could "catch someone" off guard.
10. Instead of mentally naming future children, you begin mentally naming future cats.

Turtles and Relationships

So you know how there are always those people that you are inexplicably attracted to? You know, the ones you never actually talk to but you're sure they'd be great if you ever did? Did you ever notice how by the time you get up the nerve to become friends with them they're already in a relationship with someone else? That's crap. There should be a way to tell before you get attached to them. For example, when you find a turtle you're supposed to paint a spot on its shell with nail polish. That way if anyone else in the neighborhood finds that turtle, they'll know you found it first.
I just want to know right away when someone already has a claim on my turtle... before I try to paint it myself.

The Points System

I've often in passing made comment regarding a system of points which is used to determine my level of attraction to members of the opposite sex. For purposes of clarification, I've compiled the following directory of point system awards. (Note: at least one point is required in order for an individual to warrant my time.)

*Language*
Being multi-lingual +35
Ability to speak Spanish +40
Speaking Spanish to show off -10
Assuming I can't understand -20
Proper grammar +20
Broad vocabulary +20
Improper use of otherwise impressive words -10

*Automotive*
Clean car +20
Bad driving -15
REALLY bad driving -25
Ability to change oil +20
Skills beyond changing oil +5 each

*Conversation*
Inappropriate jokes or reference -5 (extra 5 point deduction for each subsequent bad joke)

Chauvinistic comments -10 (plus concurrent inappropriate joke deduction)
Moderate charm in speaking +20
Excessive charm in speaking -3

*Manner*
Opening a door on a date +15
Opening a door any other time +20
Walking me home/to the door +40
Asking me to make him food - All previous points
Impoliteness towards my friends or family - All future points

*Activities*
Beating me at something +10
Being a jerk about beating me -15
Letting me win -157
Being a bad sport when I kick his trash -35
Showing sincere appreciation for my mad skills +53

*Features and Characteristics*
Taller than me (not difficult) +15
Laughs +5
Laughs a lot + So many! (To be determined on an individual basis)
Enjoys little things (stars, marshmallows, puddles) +97

(Note: this compilation is incomplete and subject to modification.)

Def Leppard: A Date of Tribute

It occured to me during a "big 80's weekend" that I could probably go on an entire date using only lyrics from Def Leppard for communication. Improbable, you say... check it out!!___________________________
Replies:
I = inquiry
OR = optional response

I: Hey Ami, how are you tonight?
OR: I'm hot, sticky, sweet from my head to my feet.
OR: I'm hungry for love, and it's feeding time.
OR: Hysteria, when you're near.
OR: I'm burnin', burnin', I got the fever.

I: So where are you from?
OR: A dead end street...where the deadbeats meet.
OR: The only place in town that can take you up to heaven and never bring you down.

I: I saved you a seat, Ami!; Mind if I sit by you?; etc.
OR:I don't wanna touch you too much, baby.
OR:You could try to get closer to me.

I: Hey Ami, wanna go out again sometime?
OR: Are you wild'n'willin or is it just for show?
OR: You and me, babe. Hey, hey!
OR: Everybody wants a piece of the action.
OR: No promises. No guarantees.
OR: Daddy don't agree.
_______________________
So You get the idea... the possibilities are nearly endless. Just for kicks I've compiled a few lists of situational comments as follows:

Introductions:
- I'm Captain Cool, yeah!
- Hey boys, Miss Magic is back!

Dinner comments:
- What do you want? What do you want?
- Pour some sugar on me!
- You gotta taste that sweetness!
- You've had enough but you just want more.

Flirtatious comments:
- You dance with danger!
- Why save your kisses for a rainy day?

Philosophical comments:
- If you wanna dance with the devil, you've gotta play his way.
- From memory, there is no hiding place.

In case it's not going well (disses and come-backs):
- Passion killer, you're too much!
- You're bringin' on the heartache.
- Watch the night go up in smoke!
- You've gotta recognize my superiority!
- Divided we stand, baby. United we fall.
- Do you have a heart of stone?
- Animal.

Farewells:
- Gimme one for the road!
- I may never see your face again.
- I got a long, long way to go before I can say goodbye to you, goodbye to you.
- I've wasted my time.
__________
Note: Most lyrics are interchangable. I could do this for hours! I think I've made my point fairly clear, however, that I could indeed use only Def Leppard lyrics as conversation pieces. How well would that date go? Well, that would depend entirely on his appreciation for the "classics".

What Happens in Mexico...

As I obviously am a big fan of making lists and presenting them as editorials, I have compiled this list of important observations and lessons learned while I was on the beach in Mexico this last week. Let's get started, shall we?

1) You don't REALLY need your birth certificate or car title to get into Mexico. They'll let anyone in... it's getting out that can be tricky. However, if you all look white enough, they'll let you back to the US without too much trouble, as well.

2) The ocean is salty. It is REALLY REALLY salty. It burns your eyes. It burns your tongue. It dries you out and plasters your hair to your head. It looks BEAUTIFUL!...but you won't anymore once you've been in.

3) Any captured sand crab should be named "Pinchy". Any questions?

4) You really should avoid running in shallow water at low tide. One of three things will happen. You will either a- get stung by a jellyfish or stingray; b- tear a foot up on the jagged reef (which I chose to do); or c- end up having to carry the a's and b's back to the camp.

5) If you do tear your foot up on the reef while running in shallow water during low tide, don't run up to the top of the beach afterwards to show all your friends. By the time you get there, your foot will be gushing blood, and you'll be halfway into a state of shock. That's why it'll seem so funny to you at the time.

6) It's handy to know Spanish when you get pulled over in Mexico. If you can't work things out that way, however, just pretend you have no idea what's going on and hand them $20. Works every time.

7) You really can't go wrong if you constantly refer to the ocean as "the drink". It will ALWAYS sound cool. Seriously...try it.

8) Looking cute always helps. When your friends get their truck stuck in the sand dunes, you don't have to feel helpless. You're doing your part just by standing around and being cute.

9) Sunscreen isn't waterproof. I don't care what the bottles say.

10) The tough guy is usually the one that gets sick. Just when you think you've made the whole trip without anyone getting sick, the tough guy will probably puke all the way home... just for kicks.

11) You can enjoy an entire four day stay in Mexico listening to nothing but Jimmy Eat World.

12) You can tell yourself you don't care what you look like, but you'll change your mind when all the other girls are sitting in their tent doing their makeup in the morning. Good thing you're not trying to impress anyone, right?

13) Finally, if you're ever stopped on the side of the road in a caravan with some friends in Mexico, and you've got a bag of gummy worms... try licking them and throwing them onto the windshield behind you. This is guaranteed to make everyone's trip 10 times more enjoyable.

Thirteen... a good prime number. I could go on and on about the lessons to be learned on a singles vacation; but for the sake of time and the avoidance of developing carpal tunnel, I'll stop here.

Thoughts on Valentine's Day...

Fact: Today is Valentine's Day.
Fact: I am single.

Question: Why are we expected to be depressed or upset when we're single for Valentine's Day?

My thoughts: To me, Valentine's Day is often a lot like Hannukah. It just doesn't really apply to me. The thing is... I don't sit around moping on Hannukah because I'm not Jewish. So why would I be sad on Valentine's Day because I'm single?!? When you think about it... it's only Valentine's Day for those who have significant others. For the rest of us it's Wednesday.

I have to say... I have had a lovely Wednesday.